As per usual, I swaggered into class late and tossed my belongings near a vacant seat. While rummaging for a pencil, I noticed something monumental.

After haphazardly throwing everything to the ground, my backpack narrowly missed a freshly chewed piece of gum that had been placed on the floor. Such an event could have truly annihilated my otherwise fine day, and cataclysmic repercussions would have ensued.

"Triumph!" I muttered. In the continuous battle against our Universe's frustrating little warriors, my cunning skill and natural grace had whipped out the big guns, and once again

I emerged victorious.

Even before Hallowe'en, the Christmas season has been upon us. To me, this is a great time of the year and I make sure everybody realizes this fact. I know many people who believe that the holidays are too commercial, complete blasphemy, and other such junk. Well, they are wrong. Further elaboration is entirely unnecessary.

However, for both haters and lovers of this time of year, something beautiful arises: stacks upon stacks of mandarin oranges.

Mandarin oranges are the perfect snack. They are healthy, easily transported, easily handled (unlike other oranges, which are messy and difficult to open), seedless, and delicious.

A downside to these oranges, though, is their popularity. The boxes in which they are kept are often rummaged through, and a direct result is hundreds of beautiful oranges !RUINED! by the grimy hands of common people. Disgusting.

My mother and I had a difficult time today finding a quality box of oranges. We went to THREE different grocery stores before finding anything remotely edible. Finally, a box of perfection was achieved and I went home satisfied.

But there was a snafu along the way. Before entering the third and final store, my mother parked so that another vehicle and our car were facing eachother. This prevented the other vehicle (a large truck containing a large man) to drive forward to exit the parking space, obviously forcing it to reverse. My mom remarked in an amused tone that the man in the truck would probably be ticked off.

She was right! As soon as we pulled into the parking space, the man turned on his truck, gave us the finger, and sped away. My mom laughed, but I was confused. The parking lot was essentially empty (why my mom felt the need to park directly across from another vehicle, then, I don't know) so reversal was not a difficult task.

"What the hell?" said I.
"Haha," said my mom.
"I don't understand why he was so pissed. He drove away so quickly, and reversing wasn't even hard," I noted.
"Yeah. Well. Maybe he was masturbating and we interrupted him."

For some mandarin oranges, I angered a masturbating man in a truck. 'Tis the season!

Next time: Why my mom should never say "masturbating" again.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to wear my headphones when I am in public. They are not uncomfortable or cumbersome -- this is not a physical matter, per se.
It is simply that I find myself overly aware of my bodily functions, particularly my breathing, when those little earbuds are drowning out white noise with some musical stylings.

Early one morning, for example, I had to run to the bus stop because I was 3 minutes behind schedule. Rounding the corner, I saw that my bus was stopped at a red light, so I sprinted to arrive at the stop just on time. When I sat down, iPod on play, I noticed that my breathing sounded heavy enough for concern -- was I having an asthma attack, despite never being subject to an asthmatic condition in my life?

I panicked a little, but I was mostly embarrassed. Were the people on the bus listening to me pant after a measly 10-second jaunt, simply not staring out of grace and good manners? The horror!
I removed the headphones from my ears, and listened. My breathing was a little heavy, but not thunderous enough, as I had thought, to warrant any amusement from my other bus mates.

After that episode, I still worry. When my stomach rumbles a little or I chew my gum, I wonder how loud I sound. I mean, you never know.

If a tree falls
in a forest, with no one to hear it, does it make a sound?
When Jasmine breathes
and her headphones are on, does she sound asthmatic?