While I was riding the bus today, I saw a swastika haphazardly and largely scrawled on the bus wall. Underneath the swastika read the words:

CHUCK NORRIS

Oh, Walker. What has happened to you?

Any one of my friends can tell you that I am a hater. I hate people who talk like they're children, I hate mushrooms of all varieties, I hate group projects, class discussions, repetitive questions, assholes, non-assholes, homosexuals, heterosexuals, men, women, whatever.

However, out of all of the things in the world I hate (read: everything), I HATE! HATE! HATE! eating noises the most. Even more than, say, racism. When I hear someone chewing, often times I close my eyes and, if I can, I cover my ears. There is nothing more grating on my nerves than slurping, chomping, or snapping. Sometimes when I eat with my family, I make an excuse to leave the room for just a few minutes to regain my composure. Ridiculous!

You can imagine my frustration today, then, when a girl started to eat in one of my classes. Now, normally when someone eats in class, I am so distracted by the professor my dreams that I heed little attention to bodily disruptions. Today was severely different. As I was diligently dozing off, the girl pulled out a

motherfucking rice cake

and proceeded to eat it as loudly as one could imagine.

I am sure you are all aware just how crunchy rice cakes are. In a relatively quiet classroom, the crunchiness is only augmented (and my life begins to flash before my eyes).

Immediately, my hands became fists and my jaw clenched with the force of a steel trap. What was I supposed to do? I knew that if I were to stand up to leave, I would not be able to restrain myself from bursting into flight and wailing, "AUUUUUGH! FUCK YOU, RICE CAKES!"
Yet, if I were to stay in class, I would surely die.

Ultimately, I turned around, furrowed my brow, and sighed heavily. BOY! That girl got the picture, fast! She knew some "TRUBBLE" would come her way if she didn't quiet the fuck down. No more rice cakes for her! NO WAY!

That, and, by the time I had decided what to do, she had already finished. BUT IF THERE'S A NEXT TIME, I SWEAR TO YOU, FISTS WILL FLY.

FISTS
WILL
FLY

YOU'LL SEE.

I'm drinking tons of water, I've lost my appetite, and I'm getting a total ab workout via severe and unending coughing.

Screw you, Weight Watchers. I've got Bronchitis!

I like celebrating the New Year because I enjoy "clean slates". Of course, January 1st is rather arbitrary in terms of newness when you think about it, but I enjoy the idea nonetheless.

I mean, essentially everything I had done in 2005 can now be forgotten.
Couldn't stop biting my nails? I'll make a resolution!
Didn't do so well in school? I'll try harder this year!
Kicked that puppy into an old woman? Oh well!

Yeah, the New Year is swell. And hey, if I happen to kick a bunch of puppies during January, who cares? Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and any lingering feelings of guilt will be erased once again!