Today I saw a girl carrying a dainty purse with a picture of Audrey Hepburn on the side.

"Pretty classy!" I thought to myself.

Of course, it would have been a lot classier had the girl not also been sporting a satin, sequined baseball cap with the word "HUSTLER" scrawled across the front.

As it turns out, I do not have bronchitis despite a month of believing so. After a sleepless night of coughing, I decided it was probably time to re-visit the doctor since my previously prescribed antibiotics only did a half-assed job of helping me out. Rather than bronchitis, I have tracheitis. I realize that the terms do not imply much, so what does this mean exactly? It means that instead of antibiotics, I was prescribed an INHALER.

INHALER.

Hey! Remember when I was discussing how I am lame and awkward?

If any of you remember the film Clueless, surely you remember Miss Geist. She was the awkward, clumsy, endearing, but generally super pathetic highschool teacher with rumpled skirts and disheveled hair?

Well, you might as well call me Miss Jasmine Geist.

Due to extenuating circumstances, I was forced to postpone all of my exams. Today was my last one, and it was located in my professor's office. Interacting with this professor was terribly strange because I am entirely intimidated by his genius. He is a brilliant man and I feel completely awkward just speaking to him. Plus, I like his cardigans. However, this bumbling situation I experience in his presence is now exacerbated by the fact that my exam was probably the worst I have ever written. Honestly. I am pretty unsure about my entire future at this point. How embarrassing!

After completing the test and placing it on his desk, we were talking (well, I was stuttering) when I suddenly knocked over an entire thermos of water. Water everywhere! All over his desk, all over the floor, even on some of his paperwork -- though, curiously, my horrendous test that deserved to drown remained completely unharmed. Damn.

I apologized profusely, frantically spinning around to locate something to mop up the mess. Eventually he procured some paper towels and gently said, "It's okay. I think I can take care of this from here. Have a good summer!"

I walked out of his office after having stammered a goodbye, shaking my head and thinking, "Oh god, oh god, I have a class with him next year."

While on my way to meet a friend afterward, I noticed that a boy giving me a strange look. I furrowed my brow, looked around, and noticed that my skirt was hitched up on one side, dangerously close to vulgarity. I stopped, tugged it down, and sighed.

Miss Geist, I'll have you recall, married an equally pathetic bald man, the two of them essentially bonded only by their inordinate amount of super lametardation. Oh, geez. I guess I DO know what my future looks like... and it doesn't look good.

A few days ago, my mother gave me two of the most comfortable pillows I have ever experienced in my life. This has already become the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.

It is quite obvious why this would be such a glorious thing to have occurred. I haven't slept this well since I was a fetus! When I climb into bed, it is essentially as if a big bear were giving me a warm hug and rocking me to sleep. Of course, the bear would have to be dead or something because if it weren't it would probably maul me. So... let's forget that analogy because faling asleep with a dead bear is just gross, let's face it.

But you get what I mean.

However, due to the ridiculous comfort that is now at my disposal, it seems that I can't stop sleeping! Just yesterday, I slept for approximately 12 hours (until 4.30 in the afternoon), and then ended up taking a couple of naps between then and midnight! This is not healthy. I ended up going back to bed at 7am.

I think I might have to get rid of these pillows. If I don't, I'll probably lose all of my friends and become one of those people who eats entire boxes of Corn Pops with whiskey in the wee hours while I talk to my garbage can about the meaning of life. Oh sure, that sounds cool NOW, but when that garbage can starts getting snide...

In other spectacular news, it turns out dark chocolate is great for dry coughs. Even better than codeine! HAHAHA TAKE THAT IN YOUR FACE No. I still lose. I have bronchitis.