Because apparently I have no immune system whatsoever, I am sick again. My insufferable, excruciating cough has returned, which means bi-hourly trips downstairs for tea refills.

Now that it is night, and darkness has polluted the household, my continual descent down the staircase invariably ends with my tripping over an empty cardboard box residing near the bottom.

The first time my feet unexpectedly hit the rough surface, I stumbled and muttered, "Goddamnit."

The second time my step was interrupted by the empty carton, I said, "GodDAMNIT."

The third: "God! Damnit!"

Fourth: "OHMYGODDAMNIT!"

Fifth: "God fucking damnit holy jesus christ."

Wow! Variety truly is the spice of life!

My brother tried to kill me once.

I was in my stroller, probably at the age of about 3, and he (age 11) was running and pushing me at what felt like breakneck speeds. In my young naiveté, I was convinced my death was just around the corner as my stroller tilted and glided on the sides of two wheels. I'm still pretty sure it was attempted murder, hindered only by my mother's hollering.

Once, Jan posted a sign on his bedroom door ordering any entering person (read: me) to first address him in a kneeling position, just as someone would greet a sultan. Man. Why did I actually follow those orders?

Numerous times as I was walking, my brother would wrap one of his hands around my neck and guide me around.

One night, he and I were fighting so I threw a temper tantrum of immense proportions. My mother would not tolerate my behavior, so she locked me out of the house (I'd say I was about 4 years old), and he was the one who rescued me from my temporary banishment. If it weren't for Jan, I may have been raised by a pack of bears or something. Oh, thanks a LOT. I could have been raised by a pack of bears!

My brother also bought me my favorite stuffed animal of all time, a small koala that actually more resembles a disfigured owl. His name is Elmo, and I still sleep with him at night.

Jan is the reason I love Nintendo, computers, proper spelling, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And he was probably the biggest musical influence in my life of all time -- when I was listening to the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls, I was also listening to the Smashing Pumpkins and Weezer because of him. Those bands essentially segued into everything else I currently love.

I appreciate cynicism because he is the surliest man in the world.

We are half-asian, but really -- he got the asian genes and I have the white genes. How do we know this? Because I love lemon chicken and he thinks that's retarded.

He was one of the biggest influences of my childhood, I have always looked up to him, and he is probably the TOTALLY AWESOMEST brother of all time. Totally awesomest, that's right.

Happy Birthday, big brother, and thanks. I forgive you for trying to kill me.