While lazily flipping through a trashy gossip magazine on my lunch break, I came across something called, "CELEBRITIES: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!"

It simply featured photos of celebrities engaging in activities that were once, I suppose, reserved for lowly commonfolk.
"THEY LISTEN TO THEIR IPODS!"
"THEY EAT CANDY APPLES!"
"THEY USE SUPER COOL HANDSHAKES!"
Oh my god they ARE just like me.

As retarded as that article was, it did serve a purpose: it reminded me that I actually don't appreciate the media attempting to make celebrities appear more like "regular people." Because I hate most people. The more they try to normalize celebrities, the more disenchanted with Hollywood I become. It just makes me think of all the celebrities I'd probably hate if I were hang out with them for a while. I'll bet Brad Pitt thinks One Big Happy is the most hilarious comic strip ever and Maggie Gyllenhaal is probably a loud eater. NO THANK YOU.

I want famous people to seem as unfathomably amazing as possible. The media should probably just start making up incredible stories about celebrities instead. For example:
- OPRAH CAN SHAPESHIFT INTO MILLIONS OF KILLER BEES
- ELLEN DEGENERES CAN RECITE EVERY ROMAN EPIC FROM MEMORY
- CLINT EASTWOOD THREW A BUS OVER A BUILDING AND THEN ATE IT

Actually, I'm pretty sure Clint Eastwood could do that. And someone needs to freaking write about it then!

Bus Graffiti #3:

TATTI [WITH AN I] WUZZ HURR.

It actually did include those spelling instructions.

I live right beside a grocery store.

And I don't mean, "Hey dudes I live near a grocery store. It's only like a 3 minute drive if we hit all the lights."

No, man. I mean... "Yo mama is just fat enough that she could get lodged between this apartment building and the grocery store so bad and a crane would have to pull her out but it would be pretty tough because she's all spongy and gross but it works and some damage happens to the sides of the buildings but mostly it's okay." So, like, 15 meters away or something. NOT FAR.

I was pretty excited to move into this building because of such convenience. I mean, let's say I were chatting with a person and I wanted a piece of chicken. I wouldn't even have to use the acronym BBL... I COULD USE BRB. YEAH.

The only problem is, convenience doesn't mean anything if you just want to sit around watching the Real World/Road Rules challenge and not put on any pants. Fuck I am so hungry.

Oh, oh, oh shit I got one:
Yo mama is so round, you can calculate her surface area using the basic mathematical formula SA(sphere)=4 pi r².