Two Girls By The Children's Shoe Section Today:

girl number one: OH MY GOD these are the cutest little shoesies! Kenneth Cole for KIDS? CUTE!

girl number two: I swear to god, I need to trick someone into impregnating me.

Being a failure at life, I do not have a driver's license or even a learner's permit. As such, I have spent a significant portion of my life riding public transportation, which as it turns out is kind of cool because I can pretend I am above everyone else for "respecting the environment." The truth is I am just lazy, but that's unnecessary information.

What matters is: public transit is a great way to experience very strange things. Like that time some dude talked to me about balloons, or when I saw a guy kick a kid.

Anyway.

Today was very strange because, and I don't know if this happens often, my bus driver PARALLEL PARKED THE BUS in the middle of a warm afternoon during heavy traffic on a busy street and sauntered on into a coffee shop to get a coffee. I mean. I'm a supporter of bus drivers getting coffee and all? But don't they have scheduled breaks for that sort of thing that aren't in the middle of a trip? We certainly weren't ahead of schedule! And he took such a long time that I ended up just getting off the bus and walking the rest of the way!

So. That was kind of weird, I guess.

Maybe I should have told the story about the guy kicking the kid.

This one time when I was taking a shower, I heard my mother bellow my name. Actually, that happens a lot. And just like every other time, I simply responded with a screechy, "WHAAATTTT?" because I did not want to turn off the water. What a hassle that would be!

Normally my mother will come up to the door and shout a useless message such as, "SOMEONE CALLED FOR YOU" or "MAN I AM HUNGRY" but this time I could only hear her yelling my name over and over. I kept yelling, "WHAAAT??!!!" but it was just "JASMEEN?? JASMEEN!!!! JAAAASMEEEEN!" so I finally I figured something was pretty wrong and shut the water off.

It took me a couple of seconds, but I eventually realized the problem.

My mother wasn't yelling my name. A dog was barking outside. I mistook a dog for my mother.