I find it really weird that the joke on the cover of the newest Jughead digest is about cellphones and texting. 12 years ago I was reading about how Archie couldn't work a calculator he had won because it was a CRAZY, newfangled smaller calculator.

I'm all about technology but maybe we should take it down a notch every once in a while. There are too many people who can't do basic math on paper. Long division: it's cool times. Multiplication tables: also cool TIMES. Hoooooohoo.

And way cooler times (except for maybe the hitting):

Shit. This junk's been so secret you haven't even been able to see it.

Guys, a friend and I travelled approximately 2.322 x 10¹⁴ beard seconds to get to where we are. Which is a land where everyone rides fixed-gear bicycles even though it's hilly and judges you on what you eat. Yeesh!

When we started learning about nutrition in the 1st grade the teacher went around and asked us all what we ate for breakfast. There was the usual fare:
- "cereal"
- "toast"
- "ponies! i mean... aw, i'm 6 and dumb."

But then some total sycophant realized that these are poor answers and said, "I had 2 eggs, sunny side up, some WHOLE WHEAT toast, yogurt with granola, a grapefruit, strawberries, and a tall glass of SKIM MILK."

What the shit? Not only did this seem like a blatant lie (that's a lot of fucking food for a kid), but her smarmy satisfied look was so disgusting I almost ralphed MY breakfast all over her face. I didn't have this vocabulary at the time but I do remember thinking something along the lines of, "Total bitch."

Anyway, the point is: please do not tell me why what you're eating is better than what I'm eating, and do not tell me why my food is gross or looks gross. Because I might barf on your face and then you can EAT IT.